She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
