i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
