i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
