I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize