All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
