I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
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