The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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