two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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