There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize