I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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