so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
