I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
