Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
