R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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