I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
