I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
