i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
