It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
