You're my little dorito
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
