Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
