I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My vagina is officially offended.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
