end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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