So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
