I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
