i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
