I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
