OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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