I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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