I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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