I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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