How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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