it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
