that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
