listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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