The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
