The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
