The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
