I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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