Your dad touched me again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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