They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
tell me about the eggs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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