I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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