glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
