Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
