6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
