Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i think i have herpe
just one?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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