What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
