Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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