I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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