Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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