Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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