life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
