i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize