can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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