I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
