It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
