You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize