When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize