If i come over, it means nothing
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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