so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
