I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
