I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
