1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
