I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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