youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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