Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
