2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
