I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
